Jolita Amerika
Wholly owned subsidiary of
PUGUA' International Corporation
Lima, Peru
Jolitaamerika@lycos.com

Komix
Jokes, Jokes & more Jokes.

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
Well, thanks to my geneology efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married
O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.  They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt,
Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections,
Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her
kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,
and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
Submitted  23-May-2000 by:  Juanita-Marie, Mangilao, GUAM USA


Points to Ponder
The ancient Egyptians did not invent penicillin but they did treat infections with moldy bread.
Submitted  14-May-2000 by:  Ali Fayeh, Chicago, IL.


Points to Ponder
It is recorded in historical footnotes that the first dynasty of Egypt before 3000 B.C. was
so civilizzed it had deadly weapons of metal, government officials and taxes...
Submitted  14-May-2000 by:  Ali Fayeh, Chicago, IL.


Points to Ponder
Every language known to man has a word for "drunk".
Submitted  14-May-2000 by:  Ali Fayeh, Chicago, IL.


Points to Ponder
The sluggish catfish get lively just before an earthquake.
Why?
Scientists are studying the phenomenon.
Submitted  14-May-2000 by:  Ali Fayeh, Chicago, IL.


Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

That night, the princess had frog legs for dinner.
Submitted:  12-May-2000 by:  Arthur Jumps, New Orleans, LA.


A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a   belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely  informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty  to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and   could a cab be called for him?

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door,  all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?"
Submitted:  12-May-2000 by:  Arthur Jumps, New Orleans, LA.


A horse and a chicken are playing in the meadow.
The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.
He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help him to safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.
He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse , and drives the car forward saving him from sinking.
A few days later the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud hole.
The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stood over the width of the hole and said,
"Grab for my thingy and pull yourself up."  And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks!
Submitted:  12-May-2000 by:  Charlie Gooden, Gettyburg, PA.


An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver,
Colorado, for being smart and funny and making the point when confronted with an angry passenger.
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly,
so that the passenger behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent,
gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you." Without flinching, she smiled and said,
"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too.
" The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly.
Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.
Submitted:  12-May-2000 by:  Charlie Gooden, Gettyburg, PA.


A freshman won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmist practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since:

1. It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting.
2. It is a major component of acid rain.
3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state.
4. Accidental inhalation can kill you.
5. It contributes to erosion.
6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes.
7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients.

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was....water.

The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" The conclusions are obvious.
Submitted:  12-May-2000 by:  Pete Grandie, Sussex, UK.


"Any girl can be glamourous; all you have to do is stand still and look stupid." --- Hedy Lamarr

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping; men invade another country." --- Elayne Boosler

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." --- Gilda Radner

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." --- Maryon Pearson

"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." --- Bella Abzug

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." --- Margaret Thatcher

"If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary." --- Margaret Atwood

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." --- Gloria Steinem

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." --- Gloria Steinem

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." --- Katharine Hepburn

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." --- Marie Corelli

"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." --- Baroness Edith Summerskill

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" --- Linda Ellerbee

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." --- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Submitted:  12-May-2000 by:  Rita Paulsen, Quebec, Canada.


As an avid golfer, I prefer to have the course to myself on weekends and often tee off with my foursome at 5 a.m.
One Saturday I met my Match As we played, a twosome bore down on us.
Catching up to us on the sixth tee, one of them come over to ask of they could play through.
“I’m getting married at nine o’clock this morning,” he explained,” and I’d like to get in 18 holes before the wedding.”
Submitted: 5-May-2000 by:  Jim Echert, San Francisco, California.


A four-year-old girl was at the pediatrician's office for a check-up.
As the doctor looked into her ears with an othoscope, he asked,
"Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"
The little girl stayed silent.
Next the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat.
He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"
Again the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest.
As he listened to her heartbeat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in here?"
"Oh, no!" the little girl replied, "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants!"
Submitted: 5-May-2000 by:  Jim Echert, San Francisco, California.


Three years ago, after my divorce, I found myself in the position of having to buy condoms,
something I hadn`t had to do for better than twenty years. The selection was overwhelming,
and I asked the pharmacy clerk for some help.
He extoled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated, colored, glow in the dark
(assuming you can`t find it any other way), Magnum size (no laughing), and more.
At last, as he was running out of breath, I asked which condom he recommended.
He replied "The condom made of lamb`s intestine has a more natural feel."
I said "Not to us city boys."
Submitted: 5-May-2000 by:  Jim Echert, San Francisco, California.


A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items.
When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price.
She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and
boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."
As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word
"Tampax" for "Thumbtacks." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom,
"Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"
Submitted: 5-May-2000 by:  Jim Echert, San Francisco, California.


A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of the payment,
he sent the police departmenta photograph of two 20 dollar-bills.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture-of handcuffs.
Submitted: 3-May-2000 by:  Eddie Simms, San Diego, California.


A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders.
But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem:
a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign
which said RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led
the officer to the boy's accomplice, another 10 year old boy about 100 yards
beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
Submitted: 29-Apr-2000 by:  Daria Onnish, Sau Paulo, Brazil


Imagine....
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
Submitted: 2-Mar-2000 by:  Ed Jimenez, Palo Alto, CA.



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